I seem to give off a strange pheromone that calls out to the highly sensitive senses of creeps.
I am by no means alone in this struggle. There’s everything from strangers on the street instructing women to “smile,” to women being told loudly that they’re “not even pretty” after ignoring the mating calls of “yo yo, hey, sexy, ma, what’s up girl?”. Here are three random fun experiences I've had.
November 7 2012
Jumped in a van today, I was late and I wasn’t really paying attention to the van names (for those who don't know, the minivans -public transport on the island- generally have different names painted on the front, some have a full body kit, other sometimes have ads, some have none of the above, but the 'hot" vans do, and generally get the business of the younger generation), I just stopped whatever one was coming towards me and jumped in.
Apparently the conductor of said van was also a prospector, because I cannot fathom what else he was searching for so deep up his nostril, but some nuggets of gold. Perhaps his right nostril is the entrance to Narnia, and someone was trying to pull him through by this index finger… I hope not or my childhood will be ruined. I’m almost certain that at some point, his entire hand disappeared up there, but that’s a whole different genre (*wink wink, nudge nudge*). Suffice to say I flung my money and him and leapt out with the same speed I leapt in with, making sure no contact was made with his hand.
November 13 2012
Walking in town today, as usual, I have a destination to get to, I’m paying no attention to people, but my ears are like sonar… as I walk past a random man, he shouts “wait wait, da is a white girl with a nice ass so????” Moving past the grossness of it all, why do I have have to be the big booty white girl (I hear it’s now PAWG)?
November 15 2012
I’ve never bought nor looked the least bit interested in your wares. I understand that you are just trying to make a legal living, and ma’am I commend you, however “hey sexy, any panties for you today” will not entice me to wander over to your stall to purchase underwear on the side of the road. I applaud your attempt at flattery, and am grateful that you didn’t curse me out when I declined.
Somewhere from the glorious depths of sweet sweet slumber, a shrill ringing, gets louder and louder, pulls me up and forces me semi awake. I open crusty edged eyes, only to realize it's the phone that's ringing. Since the sun had yet to rise, and the landline was constantly screeching at me, I understood this to be the universal code for emergency. I managed to untangle and launch myself out of bed without injury, and race to the living room, only to have the call dropped as soon as I picked up the receiver. This being the era of technology and what not, I *69 because.. emergency. A detached robotic voice reported a number that I did not know, I think, perhaps it was a misdial. On cue, my cell phone, back in my bedroom, starts ringing. Obviously ... EMERGENCY. So off I Usain Bolt it back to the bedroom, hoping the friend calling hasn't used the dead man's phone to make the call (remember, emergency). I've watched enough Dateline, and Cop TV ... not that I have plans.. ok moving on.
The screen shows the same number the robot replicant told me, so cautiously I answer.. and it went a little something like this:
Me: (slightly, ok a lotly irritated now, because clearly this is not a friend calling to borrow a shovel, or some other such emergency) yes?!
Caller: This is [REDACTED], is your house number still [REDACTED] because it rang out?
Me: (incredibly irritated now because the caller is a friend of my mother's and I have no idea why this call is happening) Yes, was it you calling?
Caller: Yes, I was calling, my *spouse* and I are flying in today.
Me: *crickets* ( now my left and right brain are having an internal argument, one says, be respectful, this is your mom's friend, the other, says things like "MuddaC*nt" and that word that Apple autocorrects to duck)
Caller: Are you hearing me?
Me: *rubs temples* Yes, I don't think I can see you today, I have an appointment with the cable people, so that's an all day wait.
Caller: Oh that's ok, we'll be there until Sunday, we are staying at [REDACTED], so you can come check me.
Me: *MF CRICKETS*
Me: ok.... bye. *hangs up*
The moral of this story is: parents raise your children to respect you, so that when your out of order, asscrack of dawn, calling for no damn reason when they have a 4 day period to reach out, friends, make the decision to dial the number, your children won't cuss them and their mama's out.
I mean or raise your kids to not call people at the asscrack of dawn for no damn reason.
We all have that one friend, you know the one... the one who random weird things happen to...the one you end up looking at and exclaiming "this only happens when I'm out with you!!!" that friend.. It me!
Belly Comes First